... Also known as those "f*!@ing" apple pie bars

I'll let you in on a little secret ... there are times when not all goes well in ShelleyBakes land.  Usually, the "not so good" things are when I try out a new recipe and it isn't what I expect it to be.  And yes, there are occasions where I burn things.  Or drop things.  Or the pictures don't turn out.

And then there are those times when things just simply do not want to work out.  And this, my friends, was one of those times.  Here's a bit of back story on this particular recipe ... this dessert is hands down one of the best things that my mom made during my childhood - apple pie in flaky pastry bar form with powdered sugar frosting drizzled on top.  This recipe is my BIRTHRIGHT, shouldn't be a problem to recreate it in my kitchen, should it?


One word for that misconception: Whatever.  After struggling for 45 minutes to get the bottom crust of the bars to roll out properly, I sent a profane text to my mom.  I believe it said: "I HATE these f*cking apple pie bars!!!!"  And then my mom called me.  Laughing.

"Oh honey, I forgot to tell you what a pain in the ass those are."

Sigh.

Regardless of my failure to properly execute this dish (the bottom crust - laughable, then I forgot the layer of crushed cornflakes and then I couldn't get the top crust to roll out at ALL, so I got pissed off and started flinging bits of pastry on top of the bars), I have to admit ... it still tasted really good.  Good enough that they were inhaled within a half hour of my bringing them into work.

If you are brave and noble with a rolling pin, try these if you dare.  I will begrudgingly admit that they are worth it and that I will make these annually until I master these bastards.

This is one section that actually got a covering of dough! 

Danish Pastry Apple Pie Bars

2 1/2 c. flour
1 tsp. salt
1 c. shortening (**note from my mama ... use lard.  Don't be afraid of it, do not substitute Crisco.  Otherwise, these will not reach the flaky consistency that will forever adhere to your thighs.)
1 egg yolk (note: Save the white!)
milk
1 c. crushed cornflakes (**note from me ... if you forget, it's OK.  The bottom crust will just get a little soggy from the apple-y goodness that's to come)
8-10 Macintosh apples (pared and thinly sliced)
1 c. sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon

Here's the shortcut that I took with the crust ... I blitzed it together using my food processor.  Those ingredients are the flour, salt and shortening.  After that was put together, I kept my processor running and I added this mixture:  one egg yolk and enough milk to make 2/3 of a cup of liquid. 

On a (heavily) floured surface, take half of the dough (**) and roll to 17 x 12 inches and put into and up the sides of a 15 1/2 x 10 1/2 x 1 inch baking pan.  Sprinkle with cornflakes.

In another bowl, slice up the apples and then coat with the sugar/cinnamon mixture until well incorporated.  Put into prepared pan and roll out the remainder of the dough to place on the top.  Beat the egg white a little and brush over the top.  Bake at 375 degrees for 50 minutes.  The drizzle with some powdered sugar frosting.  (I don't really have a recipe for this - I just take powdered sugar, enough milk to make it runny and some vanilla for flavoring ...)

And on the left hand side, you can see where I got pissed off and just started flinging dough to cover the fracking pan.

** Something that you will figure out during the course of the epic struggle known as rolling out this fracking pastry dough is this:  The dough that's produced is really, really sticky.  At first I thought that I had done something wrong (not enough flour?) and then I was worried that my dough wouldn't be crumbly and pliable because it took an epic amount of flour to get it from sticking to my counter and rolling pin.  But during my therapy session with my mama, she told me that it does take an inordinate amount of flour to get the dough to roll out.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween from us here at ShelleyBakes! I saw this article this morning in the New York Times and had to share.  R.L. Stine was a fixture of my childhood reading and this commentary was appreciated and enjoyed.

#GreatHallowTweet: Eye (Cake) Balls

Look deep into my eyes, my pretty ... these sweet things are my #GreatHallowTweet take on cake balls.

Red velvet cake balls, to be exact.

Here's the method to the madness ...


Take and bake a boxed cake mix to the specifications on the back of the box.  (And yeah - if you're a super star, you can make your own homemade cake, but I've been traveling around the Midwest for the past couple of days - boxed cake was as good as I was going to get for this ...).  Let the cake cool completely and then crumble it into a large bowl, using a fork to make sure the cake is good and crumbled.

Then take a container of frosting - for the red velvet cake, I used cream cheese frosting, because it just felt right - and mix about 3/4 of the frosting into the crumbled cake, stirring to incorporate.

Now here's the messy part ... take the cake and form it into one-inch balls.  Place them on a cookie sheet and set in the freezer to chill and solidify (about one hour). 

After your eye, erm ... cake balls, have frozen dip them in some melted white almond bark.  Tap the excess off and place on sheets of waxed paper to harden the candy shell.  To paint the eyeballs, I used food grade color gels (thanks to Coco Cooks and her marzipan eyeballs for the hint).

Ina!

Anyone who has spent a modicum of time on this blog know that I absolutely adore Ina Garten.  So when she announced a book tour to support her latest cookbook "How Easy is That?" I admit that I was disappointed that the closest she was coming to Minnesota was a stop in Skokie, Illinois.  Then I put in a request for some time off. 

Here's the line up at the Barnes & Noble in Skokie, Illinois.  Folks started lining up at 8 a.m. for a noon book signing.

Ina!  And a very red-faced me.  And a slightly blurry Ina - I can only assume that the person who was taking this picture had shaky hands like I did.

So what was Ina like? She was incredibly gracious and friendly.  I don't know what I said to her, but I tried really hard to not come off like an idiot fan girl (and I might have failed.  But I'm OK with that.)

Some of the highlights of this trip (other than meeting Ina, of course), were the two ladies that I stood in line with.  They were incredibly friendly and made the wait fly by.  I also got to spend the evening with my cousin Kelly and her new one-month-old baby Owen.  Thank you guys for your hospitality!

#GreatHallowTweet: Cauldron Crack Dip

You'll have to forgive me for lacking a photo on this particular dish.  I brought it to work last Friday and didn't feel like whipping out my camera in front of my co-workers to get a picture of what can only be described as "crack dip."  You know what I'm talking about ... the kind of dip that is really, really bad for you, but you can't get enough of.

So here's the deal ... over the past few months, I've really tried to eliminate processed food from my diet.  When Happy Meals can sit out for six months without getting moldy, there is truly something wrong with the make up of what we're feeding our children.  But while I can totally get up on my soapbox about that - I have a confession to make:  I have a secret love for Velveeta.  I don't eat it all the time, because I get slightly disgusted with myself, but if I have it every once in awhile, I feel like my life has achieved some sort of nirvana-ic balance.

Anyway - the story behind this dip is that my co-worker Melinda made it one night when she lured me to one of those jewelry parties.  I had toiled for an hour at a gym and had promised myself that I would be good at this party, but once I saw that she had a crockpot full of this cheesy goo, I could not help myself.  And the best part about this dip?  Have fun with it ... everything is approximate and if you don't like something - eliminate it.  Replace it with something that you do like. 

Melinda's Cauldron Crack Dip

1 small onion, diced
1 lb. hamburger, browned and drained
1 small box of Mexican Velveeta, cubed
1/2 large box of Regular Velveeta, cubed
1 can chili beans
1 small can diced green chiles
1 package/can of Spanish rice (I ended up using that Uncle Ben's stuff that you're supposed to microwave for 90 seconds.  But I didn't microwave it.)
1 c. salsa

Dice up one small onion and brown with one pound of hamburger in a large skillet.  The next part is totally up to you ... you can either incorporate all of the ingredients into said skillet and get everything melted down and THEN dump into a large Crockpot (make sure to keep the heat on low, for risk of burning the cheesy, processed goodness) or you can throw all of the ingredients in the Crockpot and then heat on low until the cheese is melted and everything is well incorporated. 

P.S. - I only utilized my Crockpot because my cauldron is broken and they frown upon open fires at my office. 

#GreatHallowTweet: Grandma's Beef Soup

In last year's GreatHallowTweet, I got all nostalgic for my great-grandmas and their unlikely Halloween traditions.  This year, I'm all nostalgic again, but this time it's for my grandma Boots.

I grew up in a very small town in Northeast Iowa and while that town was small (literally one stoplight, my friends), I actually grew up 10 miles from that town on my folks' farm.  Needless to say, there's not a lot of opportunity to trick-or-treat in the country.  Sure, there were a couple houses that we would hit up, but we were literally the only kids that would go to those houses and that was because they were neighbors.  The serious trick or treating was done in Waukon.  My older brother and I would go with our cousins Ryan and Tracy and our moms and hit a handful of houses before we'd retreat back to my grandparents' house.  And every year, my grandma would serve this soup.

What's funny about this recipe is that I have the barest inkling of what went in it (except for the rutabagas - and that's because my old friend and classmate Aaron would supply them to my grandma).  Here's the email that I sent my mom:  "I know that I've asked you this before … but how did grandma boots make her Halloween veggie soup?  I'm doing a Halloween week at ShelleyBakes and was going to feature that recipe."

Here's my mom's response ... "She boiled soup bones (beef) and then put in some leftover roast beef  in the broth.  It's pretty much the same as hamburger soup otherwise, but no tomatoes or sugar and when Aaron brought her rutabagas she'd add some of them cut up like the potatoes.  Simmer it in lots of broth  (add canned if you need to) with potatoes, carrots, onions, and add peas or corn if you want ... sometimes she just added a bag of frozen mixed veggies...as you can tell it was never the same twice!  ...  P.S. To save time she'd do the beef stuff and bones in the crockpot with water over it."

Sigh ... that's the thing with family recipes - sometimes they aren't really written down and you have to recreate them from memory.  Even if it's a memory from about 20 years ago ... So this is my best guess.

Grandma Boots' Beef Soup

I made the soup for Sunday dinner, but it took a little bit of advanced planning.  So Saturday, I made a batch of beef stock.   I used about 8 cups of stock to make the broth for this soup and ended up using a couple tablespoons of dried au jus mix (and some Worchester sauce) to give the stock a little more color and flavor. (My stock is going to be a work in process ... it wasn't quite right this first time at bat.)



Olive Oil
1 lb. stew meat
1 medium onion, halved and sliced

4 lg. carrots, large chunks 
2 medium potatoes, large dice
1 medium rutabaga, large dice
8 c. beef stock
2 T. dried au jus (I used the LeGout au jus base)
2 bay leaves
Salt and pepper

Take whatever pan you make your soup in and put in 1 to 2 tablespoons of olive oil over medium-high heat.  Brown your stew meat in batches.  After the meat is browned, deglaze the pan with a little bit of beef stock to get the browned bits off of the bottom.  In this, saute onions until tender.  Add remaining vegetables, the browned beef, stock (with au jus mixed in) and bay leaves and bring to a simmer.  Remain uncovered and cook until the vegetables are tender (about 45 minutes to an hour).  Serve hot in bowls and salt and pepper to taste.

Obviously, this soup - like any others - tastes better the next day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*


So how did reality stack up to nostalgia?  Well, the soup was good, but it definitely wasn't my grandma's.  I also know that this soup would have really done well had it featured more herbs (Thyme?  Oh most definitely.).  But I was really focusing on trying to recreate a dish that I remembered from childhood and although many years have passed, I don't ever recall my grandma having fresh herbs in her kitchen. When I make this again (because the chunks of vegetables made want to swoon), I will definitely put more of a Shelley twist on things.  


Thanks for indulging me in a little nostalgia. In case you're wondering ... here's a picture of my grandma. She was a pretty stylin' lady.

#GreatHallowTweet: Pumpkin Shortbread Cookies

There is only one word to describe these cookies.  And that word is: "da-a-a-a-a-a-a-mn."  If it were appropriate to catcall at a cookie, this would be the cookie that I would choose to harrass in such a fashion.  Because they are like eating pumpkin pie in a cookie form.  And I love pumpkin pie.  And cookies.  You can imagine why I am so transfixed.

I got this recipe from Recipe Girl, and although the recipe takes a little bit of pre-planning (you need to chill the dough for four hours or just overnight), I think it's well worth the wait.  Especially when you consider how gloriously simple these are.